By Howard Deevers
a parody and humor, not intended to offend anyone.
A flight inspector from the FAA in Nome, Alaska calls the North Pole:
North Pole: Hello, North Pole here, head Elf speaking
Inspector Smith: This is FAA Inspector Smith from Nome, Alaska. Is Santa Claus available?
Elf: He is very busy this time of the year. I will see if he can come to the phone.
Santa: Claus here, how can I help you?
FAA: Mr. Claus, we understand that you will be flying in our airspace this month and I need to check on your qualifications.
Santa: Sure, Smith, go ahead.
FAA: Mr. Claus, do you have a current pilot certificate, and a flight review?
Santa: Well, Smith, since I was flying long before Wilbur and Orville, no one was issuing pilots licenses. As far as a Flight Review, I find it very difficult to get a qualified CFI to come to the North Pole to conduct any recurrent training.
FAA: OK, we can skip that part. What about weight and balance calculations on your sleigh?
Santa: I have a team of Elves that makes sure that all cargo is properly stored, and well within limits. We have documents dating back to 1822.
FAA: Well, we don't need to go back that far. I'll take your word for it. How about Annual Inspection on your sleigh?
Santa: It is the same sleigh that I have been using since 1822. And since we only fly one day of the year, we have lots of time to keep the sleigh up to date in the summer. I do make a list, and I check it twice.
FAA: I'm glad you are so safety conscious. What about your propulsion for the sleigh? How do you keep that in shape?
Santa: My Reindeer keep in shape by use of Reindeer Games in the off season.
FAA: We have had some complaints about noise on roof tops, and Reindeer exhaust on the lawns. What do you have to say about that?
Santa: We looked into making deliveries by Drones, but our survey said that it just wouldn't be the same. So, we are sticking with the tradition. Reindeer noise can't be any worse than that 1985 Ford V8 that you drive, can it, Smith?
FAA: How did you know that I have a 1985 Ford V8?
Santa: Smith, you called me. Now, I must get back to work. Tell Nancy and David to be in bed early on December 24.
FAA: Nancy and David? My kids are named Nancy and David. How did you know that?
Santa: Smith. You called me. Now have a wonderful Christmas. We can talk again next year.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night.
Clement Moore wrote this poem in 1822. He wrote many other things as well, but this is what he is remembered for:
A Visit from St. Nicholas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
the stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
the children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads;
And mama in her ;kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap;
When oon the lawn there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter;
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash,
the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick,
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now Dasher,! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the housetop the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too--
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot:
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack..
His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wind of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”